Understanding the Pain Behind the Behavior
A Survivor’s Perspective
March is Self-Injury Awareness Month, and for many survivors of sexual abuse, this topic is not abstract; it is deeply personal.
I know that because it was part of my story.
In Blackout Girl, I wrote openly about how self-harm became a coping mechanism for me as a child. After I was raped at twelve, I didn’t have language for what I was feeling. I didn’t have support. I didn’t have tools.
What I had was pain, overwhelming, confusing, all-consuming pain.
And like so many survivors, I turned that pain inward. I engaged in self-injury, also known as Non-Suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI).
As I shared in an excerpt from Awakening Blackout Girl, my self-harm began shortly after the assault, at a time when I felt emotionally overwhelmed and completely alone.
This is something we need to talk about more because self-injury is not attention-seeking.
It is pain-seeking relief.
The Link Between Sexual Trauma and Self-Injury
Survivors of sexual abuse often experience trauma that impacts not just their emotions, but their brains and bodies.
Trauma changes the nervous system.
It can dysregulate:
- Emotional processing
- Stress responses
- Sense of safety
- Ability to self-soothe
For many survivors, self-injury becomes a way to:
- Release overwhelming emotional pressure
- Feel something when numbness takes over
- Regain a sense of control over their body
- Externalize internal pain
Research and survivor accounts consistently show that self-harm is often a maladaptive coping mechanism tied to unresolved trauma, including sexual violence.
Let me be clear: this behavior is not a failure.
It is an instinctive attempt to survive something that felt unsurvivable.
What Is Happening Neurobiologically?
When a child experiences sexual trauma, the brain shifts into survival mode.
The body becomes wired for threat.
- The amygdala (fear center) becomes overactive
- The prefrontal cortex (reasoning and regulation) becomes less effective
- The body can get stuck in cycles of hyperarousal (anxiety) or shutdown (numbness)
Self-injury can temporarily interrupt that cycle.
It can:
- Release endorphins (brief relief)
- Ground someone back into their body
- Create a sense of control in chaos
But over time, it reinforces the cycle—because it works just enough to keep someone coming back to it.
That’s why this isn’t about “just stop.”
It’s about understanding what the behavior is doing for the survivor—and helping them find safer ways to meet that same need.
What Parents, Caregivers, and Loved Ones Need to Understand
If someone you love is engaging in self-injury, your response matters more than you know.
This is where so many people get it wrong.
What Not to Do:
- Don’t punish
- Or shame
- Demand immediate answers
- Don’t say “why would you do this?”
These responses reinforce secrecy and shame the very things that fuel the behavior.
What To Do Instead:
1. Lead With Compassion, Not Control
Say:
- “I’m really glad you told me.”
- “You’re not in trouble.”
- “I’m here with you.”
Create safety first. Always.
2. Understand the Behavior Before Trying to Stop It
Ask:
- “What does this help you feel?”
- “When do you feel the urge the most?”
You’re not endorsing the behavior, you’re understanding its function.
3. Get Trauma-Informed Support
Not all therapy is created equal.
Look for clinicians who understand:
- Sexual trauma
- PTSD
- Somatic responses
- Self-harm behaviors
Healing requires more than surface-level intervention.
4. Reduce Isolation
Shame thrives in silence.
Connection disrupts it.
Even small moments watching TV together, sitting quietly, or going for a walk can help regulate the nervous system.
5. Focus on Replacement, Not Removal
Self-injury meets a need.
We don’t just take it away; we help replace it.
Healthier Coping Alternatives for Survivors
In my own recovery, I had to learn slowly, imperfectly, that there were other ways to survive my feelings.
Some of the tools I now teach include:
- Writing and journaling to release internal chaos
- Movement (walking, stretching, grounding exercises)
- Cold water or sensory grounding techniques
- Music as emotional expression
- Breathwork to regulate the nervous system
- Naming emotions instead of suppressing them
These aren’t quick fixes.
They are practices.
And over time, they create space between the feeling and the reaction. Contact FREE Support for Self-Injury | Text SH to 741741
The Role of Institutions: Where Accountability Matters
We cannot talk about self-injury without also talking about what caused the harm.
When a child is sexually abused, especially in schools, churches, or youth-serving institutions, the failure is not just personal.
It is systemic.
And when those institutions:
- Ignore warning signs
- Fail to report
- Protect perpetrators
- Silence survivors
They contribute to the long-term trauma that can manifest in behaviors like self-harm.
This is why civil accountability matters.
Because healing is not just individual, it is structural.
A Message to Survivors
If you are struggling with self-injury, I want you to hear this:
You are not broken.
You adapted.
Your brain and body found a way to survive an overwhelming experience.
And while that coping strategy may not serve you anymore, it once did.
That matters.
In Blackout Girl, my scars told the story of pain.
But today, they tell the story of survival.
And healing is possible.
Not overnight. Not perfectly. But truly.
You are allowed to learn new ways to cope, outgrow what once kept you alive, and heal.
Speaking With a Sexual Abuse Lawyer About Your Rights
If you or someone you love experienced sexual harassment, abuse, or exploitation, you may have a civil case.
Andreozzi + Foote is a civil law firm dedicated to representing survivors of sexual abuse and exploitation nationwide.
We offer free, confidential consultations to help survivors learn about their rights. This helps them understand their potential legal options and decide what feels right for them.
You deserve to be heard, and our attorneys are ready to listen.
(866) 858-3790